Not Just A Diva... a Goddess
 
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Misery loves company...

Do you ever notice how shitty situations seems to follow some people like a dark cloud? How they seem to create or put themselves into the middle of hostile relationships when things have gone too smoothly for a while? These people drive me nuts. I try not to respond to their attackatory nature but really I just want to jab their eyes out with rusty nails.

Someone needs to invent a "jackass" button, similar to the "easy button" on the Staples Commercials ... so that whenever you encounter someone stirring the pot and creating havoc, you can hit the JACKASS button and immediately they are duct taped up and rolled out on a trolley. That would be justice.

On to another fun gym story... today a former "sneaker" (those who try to sneak into the gym for free) came in with some of his equally sketchy buddies to workout. That's not the funny part, the funny part is remembering his excellent sneaker-ish techniques of the past. I particularly enjoyed his blank stare one time when I explained that he had to pay to use the gym. He was ABSOLUTELY DUMBFOUNDED. "You have to pay?" Hee. He then opened up his wallet and pulled pieces of lint out of it and an old penny and then told me that he has a really good job as a roofer and he isn't broke. Okay.

He followed up that bit of brilliance the next day by giving me his drivers liscence instead of a membership card. Um. Hello? WTF? He thought that his liscence "might work". Not.
posted by Fitchick @ 11:21 PM   1 comments
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Girly movies and wedding receptions...
Friday night was a full on girly night... what can I say there's (almost) no better way to spend Friday night than with some gal pals, reclining on a leather couch, enjoying some high quality cappuccino, feasting on chocolate cheesecake (more on that later) and watching a full on chick flick. The movie? The Perfect Man, of course.

Now, back to the cheesecake. One of my girlfriends roommates was informed of the full-on girly night and brought home cheesecake as a "peace offering" ... it worked. Also, he sat through almost the entire chick flick with minimal comments. Impressive. His fiance is a lucky woman.

Saturday night's fun-fest was a wedding. A rather traditional yet unorthodox wedding. The groom's mother compared her breast size to the bride's (she did not measure up to her son's new bride if you know what I mean), the mother of the bride donned the bride's pink tutu and well, there was dancers wearing lampshades. Very cool.

I'm officially old and lame as I was too tired to stay for the slicing of the cake. How very weak. I DID however use up all of the free drink tickets and enjoy an ample amount of wine. A success all around, I say.
posted by Fitchick @ 8:37 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Itchy Wrists

So you know when you're listening to a song and you pay a bit of attention to the lyrics and you're CONVINCED that the words say one thing when really its something different? Or when someone says something and you're only half listening and it sounds like they said something hysterical? Well I was listening challenged tonight.

First of all I was talking to one of our members about her Yoga skills (she folds in half) and she was telling me how the instructor had given her a new move to practice over the next week and what results she was expecting. I jokingly suggested that I could help her with some particularly agressive assisted stretching and (I swear to god) she responded "ASS CREAM". If you factor in a British-ish South African Accent, you get "I'll scream". Hah.

I have no idea what this one translates to but there were two girls walking past my desk today and I (once again) swear to god that one of them said to the other:

"When I touch SAUSAGE I get this rash that makes my wrists really ITCHY"

I don't know what this could possibly have translated to, but my coworker and I gleefully scratched our wrists in a deranged manner remarking to each other how sausages make our wrists itchy for the rest of the night... and then falling into fits of uncontrollable hysterics.

Then we told the Yoga Instructor my story and she laughed... as she was leaving the building she told us she was excited that she was going home to have perogies, but it wasn't the perogies she was worried about ~ it was the farmer sausage because it makes her wrists itchy... out the door she went giggling to herself and scratching her wrist.
posted by Fitchick @ 11:23 PM   1 comments
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Hi you're dumb.
There is no accounting for stupidity. There is sometimes no end to it. It is often amusing to watch stupidity in action. It's like watching a train wreck... you can't look away.

Dumb Girl = works in customer service staff. badly.

Dumb Girl: Answers phone and can't figure out who they want to talk to. Puts them on hold and asks me if we have a "Debra" working for us ~ a massage therapist or something??

Me: No we don't.

Dumb Girl: Gets back on phone and handles phone call. I walk away and continue my daily diligence.

Fast forward to today: A phone message is found in the "miscellaneous" mailbox (who will check the magic mailbox?) for Debra from Judy... urgent that she call Debra asap about her massage therapy appointment.

HI. WE DON'T HAVE A DEBRA ON STAFF. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A MASSAGE THERAPIST. THE CALLER HAD THE WRONG NUMBER. IS DEBRA GOING TO CHECK THE MISCELLANEOUS MAILBOX SOMETIME SOON? HTF?

Episode 2

People want to use gymnasium to play in. They ask how it works, can they borrow stuff to play with in the gym? I am standing next to the dumb girl. Dumb Girl is on hour 4 of her shift.

Dumb Girl: Yes, we usually have a Duty Manager who can get you ANYTHING YOU WANT out of our equipment room.

People: Oh, so we can go down there now and they will help us?

Dumb Girl: I actually don't know if we have any DMs on duty right now. I'm not sure of our staff schedule.

HI. I'm standing right here! Helooooo? You've been here for four hours and don't know if anyone else is working in the building? How does that work? My god.
posted by Fitchick @ 10:43 PM   3 comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
Back to the grind.




Bla. Tell me ~ is there anyone out there who really looks forward to returning to work after being on holidays? I thought not. Its just one big batch of fun finding out what hell broke loose in your absence and what kind of messes you are left to clean up, right? Hah, I thought not.

However one REALLY fun story from while I was away... it would seem that the one known as ANIMAL had a little incident a Sunday or two ago.

Now
"ANIMAL" comes from a nice family. His brother was my grandmothers' paper boy and one of those really "pure and good" kids. He's married with two kids, university educated and has a lovely family. Little brother animal is the apple that rolled way the hell away from the tree in recent years.

In the past oh I'd say 4 months, ANIMAL has started doing some serious steroids, as evidenced by his suddenly enormous body. He had his buddy grunt and groan in the weight room and inspire each other to greater lifts with enthusiastic "COME ON COME ON COME ON!" peppered with various expletives.

I recently had to speak to the "smart brothers"regarding their use of expletives. Their reason for swearing? They'd just watched Trailer Park Boys and were all "pumped up" from their experience. Yeah right, buddy... go have another hit of whatever drug of the week you're making in your easy bake oven, pally.

I like to keep on the good side of those who are obviously large and intimidating in size and who may have odd mood swings. Some may call it being non confrontational but I prefer to call it self preservation.

So I guess ANIMAL was having a bad day and for twenty minutes he tossed around 25-45 lb weight plates and dumbells of varying weights. Everyone cleared the weight room for their own safety (aha! That little self preservation thing again!).

While we're on the subject of ANIMAL, that reminds me of the lady who came into one of our centers about three weeks ago claiming to be the bride of christ. She pretty much stood in the lobby and screamed at a man who was reading the paper while one wiley old lady rolled her eyes at her and twirled her index finger at her temple in the age old sign for "holy shit, she's nuts!".

Another recent avid gym goer was the insane lady who was off her meds and jumped fully clothed into the swimming pool and started to walk in a square pattern in the shallow end. It was all good though, she had brought extra clothes with her ~ she was obviously thinking things through when she planned her day of jackassery. While she waited for her clothes to dry in the dryer, she disappeared and was found running barefoot on a treadmill at 10mph.

So back to reality... as luck would have it (and I think she planned it just this way -hee!) my best friend went into labor with her second rugrat this morning. I'm so excited for her...
posted by Fitchick @ 8:48 PM   1 comments
Greyhound Style
How could one not have an adventure on a 9 hour Greyhound trip? So many characters, so much time. Thank god I didn't have to sit next to anyone this trip and could settle down and pretty much sleep my ass off... which explains why I'm blogging at 1am.

  • The "so cool everyone should hear what she's thinking" girl ~ was DEVASTATED that she didn't get the seats at the back of the bus. Clad in her friends pants and shoes... almost missed the bus and had to buy her ticket at the next stop. Drove her friends car up to our origination but had no idea how far it was by bus to return to where she drove from. HTF?
  • The "mr. congeniality" who was trying to pick up "so cool" girl for most of the trip. Turned out to be a big BC Lions Fan and avid WWE watcher. Much discussion was had on the death of Eddie Guererro
  • The "knowledgeable" biker tatoo guy. He has "two cars" on the road but prefers to travel by bus. As everyone knows - new cars have stupid warranties on them that become void if you don't service the engines every two weeks. Also tuneups are pesky and expensive. However a $150 one way greyhound ticket is economical.
posted by Fitchick @ 12:53 AM   0 comments
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Tales from the steam room...
Upon my arrival at the out of town gym this morning ... not totally awake... before 9am and no coffee = not so coherant. Anyhoo... I go through the "I'm visiting from out of town, I have a membership at the "insert gym name here" in "insert my hometown name here" where I work bla bla bla.... let me in for free schtick with the membership services guy and :

All of a sudden the lady standing next to me in a puffywhite vest launches:

You're from XXX? I've been there. Our XXX Gym is MUCH BETTER than yours! WEEEEE get towels for free here!

Well whoop de fucking doo, lady! Seriously, when there are so many different aspects to gym going - why would one pick out free towels as the deciding factor as to whether one gym is better than the other. And why did I automatically launch into a verbal one upmanship with this woman?


Me:
Well... we have a POOL! And a hot tub and um a sauna and TWOOOO centers that we run in our town!


I told her, didn't I? I toddled off to the changeroom in search of normal people...



So I'm not exactly an avid steam room goer... but I like a good steam every now and then when I can get it. Mostly I zone out and meditate or think about my grocery list... never did it occur to me that self improvement or personal hygiene projects could or would be completed in the steam room. Today I was blessed to observe a woman go absolutely mental with a paddled pumice stone on her heels... for about five minutes. She must have been working up quite a sweat - I've not seen someone go to town on their heels with such vigor before! Then she left her little callous bits on the bench and headed off to greet the day a less calloused woman. Barf.


posted by Fitchick @ 9:17 PM   0 comments
Friday, November 18, 2005
Meaning of PAPER
Thank god no one sets me loose in crafty, knick knacky stores often. It is dangerous. Particularly dangerous when I am driving an 18 month old little girl in a umbrella stroller to whom everything is "puppy?" or "wow" or "more??". Hah. Evasive action was called for on numberous occasions. However I walked away with some good treats and a wicked Christmas Card which I fully intend to reproduce en masse.

Someone please explain to me why there are "paper" stores. At first I was excited and intrigued, then I was confused by the lack of product. This was soon followed by confusion at the table of uber soft and fuzzy/furry baby clothes/blankets etc priced high enough to please the most discerning high rolling mommy. So I looked around at the whopping two racks of paper which was sadly overpriced and looked like something I could have made in my kitchen when I was twelve... you know those "make your own paper" kits? Just like that. Okay maybe there was one cool coppery paper that might have been good for wrapping a prezzie for an eccentric aunt, but that was it. We drew it out as long as possible to the tunes of "twinkle twinkle twinkle liddle music whoo whoo whoo", pretending to be interested in $5 per small sheet paper.

So we left. The storekeeper looked pissed we hadn't bought anything and I felt guilty for not doing so.
posted by Fitchick @ 11:15 PM   0 comments
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I love T.V.
So it has been literally months since I've watched TV on a regular basis. I can feel myself slowly being sucked back into the vortex that is TV Addiction.

First my mom sucks me into a whole new plethora of 8, 9 & 10pm dramas that I CANNOT miss an episode of (Commander in Chief, West Wing, ALL of the CSIs etc etc etc). Its been YEARS since I rushed home to catch a particular show... like back in the 90210 days.

Now my best friend has introduced me to America's Next Top Model, Apprentice: Martha Stewart , Wife Swap, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Just to be clear : these are all shows that I was aware existed, but hadn't watched on a regular basis.

Also new to me has been the concept of a "commercial show" so that when a commercial comes on for your PRIMARY SHOW, you can flip to your commercial show and hopefully be able to follow along its storyline for the most part.

Tonight my mind numbing TV experience included ER, Survivor, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and some news (The Edmonton Newscaster J'Lynn whateverhernameis looks like a MAN!).

Starting Monday I resolve to go back to my old life of only watching the odd CSI, the Amazing Race fairly regularly and ER when I can fit it in... oh and maybe Survivor if it fits. That's it.
posted by Fitchick @ 10:27 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Just another day in toddler heaven...
So I have learned so much this week with regards to toddlers. My neice is just about the cutest thing ever. She's adorable, wears lots of pink (her mom is a confirmed "non girly girl" ~ how the hell did that happen?) and I swear to god she is the smartest freaking kid ever. Seriously. I'm not just saying that cause she's my one and only neice and her name starts with the same letter as mine does either.

So today she was shaking it to "My Sharona" by The Knack... off of my "Over the hump or get humped" mix cd. This song just makes me want to dance, or drink copious amounts of alcohol. I digress... so all night she's been singing "mymymymymymymymy... WHOO!". Seriously how effing cute is that?

Okay and I went to the gym tonight. Out of town gyms are so fun. New machines, different people ... lots of stuff to keep me thinking... which is probably the last thing I'm supposed to be doing at the gym but who cares. So I did a little bit of elliptical on a machine I've not encountered before. It had a great instruction guide on it on how to really "EMPHASIZE WORK ON YOUR GLUTES". So I think to myself "I could use some glute work"... and off I go at level one million. I will probably not be able to climb the stairs tomorrow but I'm on vacation so who the hell cares?

Oh and um yesterday I did a Rep Reebok class. It's basically group fitness using resistance... supersetting the hell out of every muscle group in the body. The manager of fitness introduced me to the instructor as the "manager visiting from out of town" so of course I had to put on the best show possible, right? Well today my pecs hurt. A lot. I can't even get out of a chair without being crippled. What a show off, huh? Maybe I'll go back for more tomorrow. Good times.

Oh and tonight I stepped on the digital scale at said gym. Remind me never to do that again. Also remind me that going through a seperation from hell and living the Jerry Springer Lifestyle for several months has a lot of effect on the "bottom line" if you know what I mean. Back to celery sticks for me. Gah.

So I'm working on this positive thinking and not judging others thing and holy shit is that ever hard to do! I have to admit that I feel much better for not being a total bitch and that I DO miss making snide comments about poor fashion choices in my head. This being a better person and starting my life over in a positive fashion is not going to be an easy road, I can see.

I miss my dog so much! My dad called today to tell me all about their walk to the park today and what a good boy he was. I think that my Sammy has been great for my Dad. Mum is "allergic" to dogs so he has never had one since they got married. It's not like Dad needs more things on his to-do list, but now he's getting out every day for some exercise and fresh air and having a blast - its doing him a world of good.
posted by Fitchick @ 10:20 PM   0 comments
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